Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A: Eventually, people get tired of jumping on a trampoline.
Q: Why do pipers march while they play?
A: A moving target is harder to hit.
Q. If you drop a bagpipe and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
A. Who cares?
Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A start.
Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
For a hilarious description of what a haggis really is, try this link:
By Franklin Dohanyos - A take off on Who’s on First by Abbott and Costello
A Scottish lad came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "what part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."
Franklin still thinks they're funny.
Angus once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom. The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now, my friends, what does this tell us?" Angus piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"
A Scotsman took a girl for a romantic ride in his taxi. She was so beautiful he could barely keep his eye on the meter!
How many Scotsman does it take to change a lightbulb? Ach, lad! It's nae that dark!
A Scotsman was heading out to the pub and turned to his wee wife before leaving. "Jackie - put your hat and coat on, lassie."
"Awe, John, that's nice - you're taking me to the pub with you?"
"Nae, just switching the heat off while I'm oot!"
A few friends meet in a Glasgow pub for a wee dram. Shamus piped up and announced that he was getting married and that he would be wearing a kilt. His friend asked, “What’s the Tartan?” Shamus replied, “Oh, she’ll be in a wedding dress!”
Old Tam, who had lost all his teeth, had a visit from the minister who noted that Tam had a bowl of almonds. "My brother gave me those, but I don't want them, you can have them" said Old Tam. The minister tucked into them and then said, "That was a funny present to give a man with no teeth." To which Old Tam replied, "Not really, they had chocolate on them..."
Delicious Bridie Recipe!
1-1/2 lbs lean rump steak
1/2 lbs ground sausage
2 rounded tablespoons butter
1 large onion, chopped finely
1/4 garlic powder
1/4 cup beef bouillon
Salt and pepper to taste
1-1/2 lbs flaky pastry
Pre-heat oven to 450 degrees. Prepare bouillon and set aside. Remove all fat or gristle from the meat and tenderize with a fork or wooden mallet. Cut into half-inch pieces and place in a medium bowl. Add the salt, pepper, garlic powder, chopped onion, butter, and stock and mix well.
Divide the pastry and meat mixture into six equal portions. Roll each pastry portion into a circle about six inches in diameter and about quarter of an inch thick and place a portion of the mixture in the center. Leave the edge of each pastry circle empty so you can seal it. Brush the outer edge of half the pastry circle with water and fold over. Crimp the edges together well. The crimped edges should be at the top of each bridie.
Make a small slit in the top to let out any steam. Lightly oil a 12-inch square baking tray and place the bridies, so they are not touching. Bake at 450 degrees for 15 minutes then reduce the temperature to 350 degrees and cook for another 45-50 minutes, until golden brown.
Here's to the heath, the hill and the heather, the bonnet, the plaid, the kilt and the feather!